Ask Dr. Doofus

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: HOW DO YOU JUSTIFY BEING IN A ROCK AND ROLL COVER BAND? YOU DO NOT HAVE THE LOOK AT ALL OF SOMEONE WHO EXUDES ROCK STARDOM.

Dr. D: I can’t justify it at all. I look nothing like a rock and roll guy. I look more like the guy that volunteers at the local daycare. Why do I still exist in rock band world? I like to say that I am on “borrowed time”. I have no business in Toolshed Jack whatsoever being around rockin’ guys like Steve-O, Tommy and Joel. Hey, ever have a dream when you realize that you’re dreaming? Then you figure that you can go on being a daredevil WITHIN the dream because you know it is all fake anyway and you’ll be safe in the end? It’s a no-lose situation for me. If I am good at all in this situation, it is a pleasant surprise. If (when) I suck, not a shocker.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: I LOVE HOW YOU CAN SPEAK TO ANIMALS AND ALSO HEAR THEM TALK BACK TO YOU. THINK YOU CAN TEACH ME THAT TRICK?

Dr. D: Sorry, bud… Wrong column. This is Ask Dr. Doofus… You want ‘Ask Dr. Doolittle’.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: HOW IS FACEBOOK.COM/TOOLSHEDJACK AND TWITTER.COM/TOOLSHEDJACK DOING?

Dr. D: One is doing really well, the other is dragging. We have over 1,200 Facebook friends and connect with our friends easily and often there. Twitter, on the other hand, is a tougher one. We only have two more people ‘following’ us than who we personally are ‘following’. I think it is because we are such geeks about who we admire that we follow all of our favorite musical acts, making that number huge.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: WHICH CAME FIRST, THE CHICKEN OR THE EGG?

Dr. D: The chicken. But then again, all I did was read the dictionary in alphabetical order.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: I KNOW A SONG YOU GUYS SHOULD LEARN. WILL YOU PLAY IT?

Dr. D: Slow down a second. A lot goes into learning a new song. We always consider the following before the four of us commit to a new song to play: 1) Can we pull it off? 2) Would the crowd/fans like it/know it? 3) Is the song popular enough to stick around a while? The reason we have to run these suggestions through this 3-question filter is because it is a big waste of precious time to learn a song that doesn’t meet these requirements. If a song does, we’re always open to new ideas and tunes to try.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: DO YOU HAVE ANY WINNING LOTTERY NUMBERS FOR ME?

Dr. D: Yes I do. 18 is a winner sometimes.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: I HEARD A RUMOR THAT TOOLSHED JACK IS REVAMPING ITS SET LIST AND IS REPLACING ABOUT A QUARTER OF ITS TUNES. TRUE??

Dr. D: True. Our band is an A.D.D. band and gets bored with tunes after a while, even though they may be crowd favorites. And also, being stagnant is not good for a successful cover band… Gotta march out new tunes to give people a reason to want to come see us more than just once.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: HEY, I THOUGHT GEORGE CARLIN WAS DEAD! SO MR. CARLIN: WHY ARE YOU WRITING THIS COLUMN AS THE CHARACTER YOU PLAYED IN THE MOVIE ‘BILL AND TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE’?

Dr. D: Wrong column again, dude. I’m ‘Doofus’, not ‘Rufus’.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: HOW GLAD ARE YOU TO BE BACK IN SHENANDOAH AT THE THUNDER ROAD IN MID-JANUARY?

Dr. D: Very. Our band just likes Shenandoah in general, whether it is playing at Thunder Road, acoustically at RJ’s, or even if someone hired us to play in the lobby at Mrs. T’s Pierogies headquarters. The people and crowds there are great, and you get the sense that they appreciate the music just a bit more.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: CAN I BORROW TEN BUCKS?

Dr. D: No, you’ll just go spend it on crack.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: SO WHAT IS YOUR BAND’S FINAL DECISION ON THE STAGE SETUP… ARE YOU STANDING UP FRONT OR HIDING IN THE BACK?

Dr. D: If it was up to me, I’d be in the back by the drums. Our lead singer Steve-O seems to think that if I was up front that I would be more entertaining. My argument to that is the more time I spend in front, the more of a chance the crowd will see my face and get nauseous.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: WHERE DID I LEAVE MY KEYS?

Dr. D: They’re still in the door knob where you left them, dumbass…

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: SO WHAT’S THE NEXT BIG NEWS FOR TOOLSHED JACK?

Dr. D: Well, we’re always trying to see how we can surprise people and play new places, so if you have an idea, let us know. Song selection is huge for us right now, and getting better at the newer songs we’ve recently added.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: WHY DO YOU CALL YOURSELF ‘DR. DOOFUS’?

Dr. D: Because Dr. Love and Dr. Feelgood were both taken.

Q: DEAR DR. DOOFUS: WHY DOESN’T TOOLSHED JACK PLAY NEW YEAR’S EVE? ISN’T THAT A HUGE MONEY OPPORTUNITY?

Dr. D: Yes, it is a huge opportunity. And we get plenty of places that request we play there, but we decide that the holidays is family time. So for one time a year, we actually turn down work even though we’d make a killing. I’m asleep by 10 pm New Year’s Eve, anyway.

Well, that’s it for the first PAMusicScene.com installment of ‘Ask Dr. Doofus’. If you have any questions for the good doctor, email me at Brian@PAMusicScene.com and perhaps your questions will be addressed. Just remember one thing: What makes me qualified to be giving out advice? Absolutely nothing.

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