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I LOVE the concept of the band photo. I love how goofy it is. And I suspect that normally guys or gals in bands hate doing the band photo shoot. Maybe not, but please agree with me so I don’t get the shit kicked out of me by some violent objectors. Perhaps a band’s image is just as important as its music and I shouldn’t be making fun of a person’s or band’s official photograph.

…No, I can’t resist. Just please remember when you are beating me up to stay away from my nose… I’m a bleeder.

Actually, for the sake of journalistic research (and in hopes of a promotion from Gina Tutko-Usalis to Assistant Vice-President) I went and looked at every single ‘One-on-One Interview’ link on PAMusicScene.com to peek at each band photo. I am not talking ‘album cover’ here… I am speaking of the band photo, the one that defines you as a band (or at least shows the world how much you hate getting your picture taken.)

When I finished my browsing, it then occurred to me, by using these pics as a model for band photo success, that I could be an expert and give advice on how any up-and-coming bands can improve their own band’s future photo. Here’s what I found, you youngens:

1) Don’t ever look directly at the camera: Look down and to the right. If you dare look at the camera, make sure there are at least four of you in the band and be sure to look really pissed off.

2) If you’re a soloist, look as if you are deep in thought, like you are trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle or something.

3) For the love of God, NEVER smile. Smiling would just be AWFUL, wouldn’t it? That would make you appear like you enjoy what you are doing. And crowds apparently only want to pay a cover charge to see tortured souls, not game-show hosts.

4) Your band shot should have plenty of earthtone colors in it, like olives and greens. If not, go with dark grays and blacks. Let’s just say the less primary colors, the better.

5) Either make it seem like you and your band are either 40 feet tall, or the exact opposite: Like you would drown in the shallow end of the pool. Only an idiot would look at a camera that happens to be at eye level. Where’s the creativity?

6) Look stunned. Not ‘surprised’ – ‘stunned’. Look like you just ran for 30 miles, and as you’re about to take your first drink of water, think of what your facial reaction would be if someone asked you to recite all the state capitals. Ok, maybe I’m thinking ‘look confused’ instead.

7) If you’d like to include your instrument(s), that’s fine, but just don’t ALL of you in the band give your best rock pose at the exact same time. As a viewer, I don’t think I can digest a freeze frame of a Pete Townshend windmill, your Jimi Hendrix lighting his guitar on fire, a Flea facial snarl, and a Tommy Lee upside down solo, all while trying to simultaneously cross Abbey Road.

8 ) Older guys in the back, younger guys in the front, DUH!!

I guess it should come to no surprise that the typical band photo tries desperately to accurately reflect the image it wants you, the fan, to think of them. If you are into hard-ass metal, then everything in the background of your photo should be shiny. If you are acoustic, then you want to go with a photo that would be warmly accepted on a wall at Starbucks. If you want to go with ‘mysterious’, you don’t even SHOW UP in your band’s photo: You put your band’s text over a photo of a wishing well or something confusing. This really puzzles me, but then again consider the source and allow me to show you the unofficial official photo shot for MY band, Toolshed Jack:

or maybe it is this one:

 or it could very well be this one:

I think it is clear that we never took our band photo seriously, or perhaps our guitarist Joel’s overuse of Photoshop here makes us look like we took it TOO seriously. By the way, that stupid lip thing I do is not a Photoshop trick… I can actually do that. Just figured I’d let you in on the reason why all the chicks line up for miles outside my door.

We’re a party band, so I suppose if we were to give our band photo a serious consideration, we’d do something equally as goofy. Actually, my favorite PAMusicScene-featured band photo that I/we relate to best is Knotfal:

Only to come just ahead of my second favorite, “La Strada”:

These two bands threw me a complete curveball because, from their band photos, I thought Toolshed Jack was getting some major competition in the “We are very serious about not being serious” category. But on further reading it seems these guys are into very deep song topics, whereas my band goes to lyric search engines to find songs that include, as many times as possible, the word ‘poopie’.

So in conclusion (‘Conclusion’? What major heavy context am I even concluding?), I suggest you check out every band’s photo. It tells you a lot about where their heads are at, or at least the head of their publicist. And no matter how airbrushed it is, or how many background computer graphics it entails, remember that you are getting an authentic look at how much a band would rather be causing you hearing damage through their music than having to continue posing ‘just one more time’ because the moron drummer blinked again.

-Brian from Toolshed Jack