Pick a Winner

The hard parts of being in a cover band are picking a new song people will like to hear, followed by actually learning to sing and play it. And if you don’t pick the correct new songs for the crowd, or if you don’t play them well enough, they go back on the shelf, probably to die slowly by themselves (unless you play them SO horribly that a little euthanasian assistance from the band will speed up the song’s death process.)

First, there’s the musical instrumentation part to learn for a new song. Cover bands like ours try to mimic the song as best we can so it sounds just like the original, or if they find that to be impossible, by default they “make it their own” by keeping the same chords and words but changing the music to something almost completely different, so it is musically attainable for them. Toolshed Jack performs about a half dozen songs whose music is really nothing like the original although the melody is almost the same.

I think that’s a dirty little cover band secret, when you do a song differently than the original artist. The reason the band changes the musical beat and feel so drastically is because you can’t nail the sound of the original. But when you play it your own way, it’s a total excuse. We say “Oh yeah, we made it our own, and it’s much better this way. You know, people don’t come out to see a band to hear a song sound like the original. If people wanted to hear the original, they’d listen to their iPod”. Never do we remind you that 95% of the other songs we played at the bar that night sound just like the original artist’s, but you bet we brag about those ones that we changed up in the ‘spirit of being different’.

So anyway, the first thing we do to mimic the music is to, of course, find a recording of the song. Go buy its mp3 / download it for 99 cents. It didn’t used to be that way… Back in the day before it was officially illegal to do so, rather than having to purchase a song I used Napster to get songs “free” for the purpose of learning (Ahhhh, Napster. Goooood ol’ Napster. I loved Napster. NAP-STERRRRR…).

…Still in my Napster happy place…… ahhhh…. I’ll be back, so please be patient – It’s so warm and peaceful in here…..

Guitar players have this popular thing online they use called “tablature”, which shows the fingering locations for every note of mega-popular songs. Keyboard players have not organized themselves online as well as those guitar cheaters, so I have to figure out almost every note of every song by ear all by myself. Am I jealous of guitar tablature? Absolutely. I want to paint by numbers, too.

Nowadays I find the video on free YouTube and listen to it over and over and over again at my house while my music keyboard is at my feet. I learn my songs by ear, at my computer, any opportunity that I can find. It sucks when you’re trying to learn a new song at home and eat dinner at the same time. I think my music keyboard, in the tiny gutters between the individual keys, has every evidence of the condiment rainbow: Red from dropping ketchup to tangy Orange marmalade to Yellow mustard to Green guacamole to Blue lollipops to Purple grape jelly. I particularly remember dropping a spoonful of a bowl of banana split ice cream on my keyboard with an Utz potato chip chaser while trying to learn the beginning of ‘Let’s Go Crazy’. I’m sure, his share of times as well, Prince has done exactly that, so I don’t feel so bad. He finds filet mignon on his keyboard, while I find scrapple.

Anyway, it is important to learn the song in the exact key and never assume you hear the notes correctly. It is amazing how you THINK you know what the notes in a song sound like, only to find out you are an idiot for thinking that the 43rd note in the solo is a D# when it is really a C#, now go back to sniffing fumes, you obvious loser you. This happens a lot, and I think other band guys will back me up: You hear the song a few times, you memorize what you THINK is the solo, only to return to the song weeks later, after you’ve performed it in front of hundreds of people, to find out that everyone, their brother and the drunk guy flirting at the other end of the bar who’s not even paying attention to your band, knows that the 43rd note is absoLUTELY a C#, and so is the 57th note, idiot!!

I am not a true keyboardist by nature. Gee, really? Saying that is like saying the surface of the sun feels a little ‘mild’. So I have to practice my butt off to do any obvious keyboard parts well enough so I can fake all of you out into thinking I am awesome. I want to fake you all out SO badly into thinking I am so awesome that I want you to think I must be the artificially inseminated / or love child / or test-tube baby from a mixed sample of sperm donations from Stevie Wonder, Billy Joel, Elton John, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Alicia Keys. [Ummm... ok, scratch that last one.] But alas, I’m not, so it’s tough for me to learn a keyboard solo. I do it after much practice and nervously try not to forget it when I eventually go to sleep.

The other tough part of learning a new song is singing it. It’s not as tough to sing it as to play it, because as humans our voices are all of our most well-used and familiar instrument. We even carry it around with us all day long! This is why every other person in the crowd thinks they can sing your songs well, and DEFINITELY better than you morons on stage. With singing a song, whether it is new or not, every shower-singer in the crowd has rehearsed the same song you have, and sometimes eagerly want to prove their vocal superiority over you.

I’ve had to wrestle my microphone back from soooo many drunken people lately that grab at it to sing. Toolshed Jack loves audience participation, but to a point. Nevertheless I am shocked that more teeth are not chipped during our performances by audience members that grab at the microphone so hard that they accidentally shove it into their face so fast that the Red Cross could easily set up a blood drive and collect solely from the bloody lips of these people. Take my advice: Stay in the crowd and leave the desecration of a good song to us professionals please, thank you.

So next time you’re watching, I hope you stand and appreciate how tough it is for some of us to pull off new songs when we do. It’s part of the job, so we don’t want pity or anything. And other than invited guests, please don’t think that the twelve beers you’ve had so far tonight have magically given you super singing powers, and that we’ll gladly step aside while you fumble through the words to your favorite songs, on my microphone through the remains of what once were your teeth. And please also keep your hands off my keyboard as well, unless you peek between the keys and want some salsa for your chips.

-Brian from Toolshed Jack