Tenfold

In personal celebration of my tenth column on PAMusicScene.com, I am pulling an old David Letterman bit out and just creating several made-up Top Ten Lists. The following stuff is mostly not true, but hey: That’s comedy. Also, very few of these are inside jokes (‘Toolshed Joke’?), so hopefully they’ll be for many to enjoy (although a very basic knowledge of the band and its members may be required). Peace Out! :

TOP 10 COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT BRIAN’S BAND – TOOLSHED JACK :

10.) Which one of them is the ‘talented’ one?

9.) With the name Toolshed Jack, why aren’t you a country band, or at least sponsored by Home Depot?

8.) What are the odds that four guys whose mothers each beat them severely with ugly sticks would someday form a band?

7.) Does your bass player realize that his volume rivals the decibel level of a sonic boom?

6.) How hard core can you four be if you all show up to gigs driving mini vans?

5.) Do you know your lead guitar player looks like Nick Jonas?

4.) To whom do I file a complaint regarding the need for a band’s keyboard player to not be shaped like a flagpole?

3.) Are you done yet?

2.) You guys are the most AMAZING BAND I have ever heard! I can’t believe how impressive you are! On a related note, do you know the way to the mental institute?

…AND THE #1 ASKED QUESTION OF TOOLSHED JACK:

1.) Do you guys give out free Yuengling ear plugs?

TOP 10 WAYS TO DISRUPT A TOOLSHED JACK PERFORMANCE

10.) Hold up a sign with horrible spelling that says “Play some Skinnurd, Man!”

9.) Ask drummer Jay if you could trade his drum set for some Boilo.

8.) Inform Steve-O, Joel, and Jay that Eric Clapton is pumping gas at the Turkey Hill across the street.

7.) Pour a Budweiser into a bottle of Yuengling.

6.) Inform the wives of Steve-O, Joel, Jay, and Brian that Jon Bon Jovi is pumping gas at the Turkey Hill across the street.

5.) Flash us your man-boobs.

4.) Request a song by Phish and see Steve-O be too giddy to perform.

3.) Watch me leave the stage while I beg Gina Tutko-Usalis to make me PAMusicScene.com’s Assistant Vice-President. C’mon, Gina… have a heart already, will ya?? I can’t pay my bills anymore being part-time third-shift custodian!!

2.) Organize a mosh pit that requires, every 30 seconds, all involved to stop and do the Hokey Pokey.

… AND THE #1 WAY TO DISRUPT A TOOLSHED JACK PERFORMANCE:

1.) Tell us “Sorry, guys… we can’t pay you for tonight.”

TOP 10 REJECTED SUGGESTIONS I’VE MADE TO MY BANDMATES ON HOW TO IMPROVE TOOLSHED JACK

10.) DOZENS of accordion solos!

9.) Begin each nighttime performance by collecting all departing bar patrons, who are leaving with never an intention on staying after evening Happy Hour, and just have a big group hug.

8.) Host a charity benefit for “Farmville Awareness”

7.) Replace Jay’s regular drums with steel drums to give the band a permanent Caribbean sound.

6.) Tranquilizer Dart Night

5.) Feature Joel’s sexy calves as he wears lederhosen during the “Beer Barrel Polka”

4.) Hire an attractive female 5th band member who sings, plays both guitar and trombone, operates stage lights and quintuples as a roadie, all for only $10 a night… Oops!! Sorry, wrong Top 10 list… For a moment I thought this was “TOP TEN PERFECT TOOLSHED JACK WISHES THAT WILL ONLY EVER COME TRUE IN THE LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE”

3.) Pause for 2 minutes each night to pay tribute to the golden singing voice of T-Pain.

2.) Learn a ska cover for “Pants on the Ground”

…AND THE #1 REJECTED SUGGESTION I’VE MADE TO MY BANDMATES ON HOW TO IMPROVE TOOLSHED JACK:

1.) Rehearse regularly.

-Brian from Toolshed Jack